Saturday, October 18, 2008

Going on Vacation For Two Weeks


Honestly, we don't want to leave our kind readers but it's time to relax. We'll be gone for two weeks, in that time you are welcome to read back into our archives for anything that strikes your fancy. We love you and will always be here for you! Have a great two weeks!!
-The Hem

MST3K Of The Week: Samson Vs The Vampire Women



Did you miss your weekly dose of MST3K? Well we're back with a heaping helping of Mike, Crow, and Tom Servo! In this week's movie you'll meet the coolest luchador to have ever walked the planet! Who can deny the perfect mix of vampire and Lucha Libre? Watch it dearests and let the phoniness fill your hearts and souls!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Alarma!:Mexican Death Magazines


Even in today’s new desensitized culture there are thousands of cases of offended individuals fighting against what they see as the mass application of violence and sexuality in today’s society. Many would be shocked to see that in places with cultures virtually unknown to our own, death is not nearly as taboo. Case in point: Mexico’s thousand of “tabloid” like publications that present real blood, murder, and carnage. Enter the world of Alarma!, Alarde!, Peligro!, and Insolito!.
While visiting Mexico, a common tourist may be shocked to see that vendors carry the weekly paper Alarma! which clearly represents violence and carnage on the cover. Faces of bloated bodies and virtual bloodbaths horrify the eye, while headlines such as “Massacre!” scare the reader senseless. The magazine features real-life deaths and the criminals who commit them. In the November 16, 1991 issue of Enlace! such a story rings clear with the title of “Macheto A SU MADRE!”
The story tells of a man named Gustavo Guzinan Rios who killed his mother and sister with a machete while in a state of complete drunkenness. Rios claimed he was not repentant. The story is plastered with photos of the dead mother and sister as well as the devious killer. The sister’s body is split in two, organs leaking out through the gash between her two breasts. The scene looks like something you’d see out of a crazed “B” horror movie, not something you’d actually see in real life, but it all is completely utterly true.
These magazines also feature the famed “centerfold” featuring scantily clad women as well as crossword puzzles featuring… scantily clad women. They also have their fair share of deformities, wonders, and miracle cures. The pages of these magazines feature a world not seen by many in the hustle and bustle of today.
Through magazines like these one is faced with Mexico’s high tolerance of death. Death is not a simple happening for these kind, loving people, it is culture. Festivals like the Day of the Dead show how greatly death and its exploits are ingrained in Mexican customs. Alarma is not just some cheap exploitation magazine meant for sickos and despots, but a bible of culture that finds its demographic from young rebellious youth to 70 year old grandmothers.

More Next Week... An article from a Mexican Death Magazine!

The Alarma Website

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

October 14th: A day for Nazis?

Today things seemed a little less happy and a little more completely horrible. The Hem knew that this day must be cursed somehow. We were right! Today seems to be a "Nazi Day". Look at these three events that all happened today and all have one thing in common...Nazis!


  • An uprising at Sobibor when 2o0 inmates rebel against their SS guards. 11 SS guards are killed but 52 inmates survive. Nazis decide to close the place down.

  • Marshall Erwin Rommel commits suicide after being accused of involvement in an anti-Hitler plot, he was always one of Hitler's favorites.

  • Errol Flynn (who was believed to be a nazi) dies of a heart attack on this day.

Sinister eh?

Thanks Rotten.com!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Our New Obsession: TV Sign-Offs

Remember when TV channels would actually sign off for the night? You do? Okay, aren't you a bit old to be searching the internet? Isn't there a prostate exam you need to be at or something for you to garden? Anyhoo, tv sign-offs were perhaps the most conforting thing to ever have come out of the boob tube. Every night the cute music would play over images of bright logos or nifty little animations. A voice would come on telling you good night, we'll be back tomorrow! To some those sign-offs may have been the most solid thing in the universe. Screw the nagging husband or your lack of friends! Announcer man loves you! Here are some sign-offs that filled our world with everlasting joy.

HBO



Okay, no announcer voice but some great soothing music!


Disney Channel



"and now, you always have a place to turn to." The nicest words ever said...ever.

Nickelodeon



Phony music and flashy animation make this closer cheesetastic!

OEPBS



Good old OEPBS! Anyone else a little creeped out by this one? A little too retro perhaps?


Friday, October 10, 2008

Romance By You: Creepy Or Extremely Creepy?

The world loves personalized junk. Remember those cute personalized licence plates your aunt used to give you every time she came back from her vacation to Florida? The ones that just scream: I really was drunk my entire vacation and didn't think of getting you a souvenir at all! Here's a cheap piece of sweatshop molded plastic with your name on it that I happened to find at the last minute! Boy that was great! Personalized crap is as American as apple pie!
Perhaps these statements were running through the heads of the individuals who thought that it would be NEAT to create personalized romance novels. Yes, personalized romance novels. Who doesn't love seeing their name in the same sentence as spewed beautiful love fluid? What could possibly wrong about taking a childlike approach to a trashy book topic? Personalized romance novels are definitely wrong, but they are wrong in a way that feels so right. Just look at this excerpt from the Hem's personalized preview. We really couldn't think of anyone in particular, so we used the names of child television characters. Let the abomination begin:

"Slowly Big Bird pushed Dora the Explorer back onto the hood of the car, then eased the hem of her dress up until he could feel the soft, sensuous curve of her buttocks. She pressed closer to him, sighing in response, as Big Bird began kissing her neck. “When did you fall in love with me?” he whispered into her ear. Dora the Explorer pulled her head away and looked into his black eyes. “I thought you’d forgotten I told you. With your memory loss after the accident...” “It was the first thing that came back to me.” He smiled and entwined his hand through her black hair. “You said you loved me. I think that’s the only thing I’ve really been able to keep in my head all day.” “I hope you’ll remember it longer than that,” she said jokingly, although her brown-eyed gaze suddenly turned solemn. “Why didn’t you say anything about it earlier?” “I wanted to wait until the time was right.” He kissed her forehead with tenderness and murmured against her skin: “I love you, Dora the Explorer.” Dora the Explorer didn’t respond with words, but met his lips with her own and kissed Big Bird until both were dizzy with longing. Unable to deny their desire any longer, in moments they were naked beneath the blanket. Dora the Explorer leaned forward until she was a breath away and whispered lustfully, “Gentleman, start your engine.”

If you thought that was bad, check out the range of topics you can choose from! From medieval to western, there's a book to soothe your need for hardcore book perversion!

Come on, you know you wanna!

Now You Can (Sort Of) Become A Chinese Eunuch Too!

"Culture fans thousands of miles from Beijing can now visit its famous Forbidden City, through a three dimensional recreation of the vast palace that also allows them to dress up as an imperial eunuch and meet a courtesan.
One of the jewels in China's cultural crown, the sprawling complex in the heart of the capital already gets tens of thousands of real-life visitors each day.
But now online tourists can also watch the Qing dynasty emperor feast at dinner, train fighting crickets and feed them with blood-fattened mosquitoes, or practise archery with the help of a courtesan."
See the rest here

FIGHTING CRICKETS?! Sign us up!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Bill Nye Is Bringing Sexy Back (Scientifically Speaking, Of Course)



Yeah we love Bill Nye just as much as you do. His show Bill Nye the Science Guy is fun for the whole family and the man is just supremely amazing. He's the deluxe fun package of science. Apparently, Bill Nye actually has an awesome adult appealing side too. Bill Nye actually aired a program where he talked about...SEX! The Evolution Of Sex, that is. How sweet it is to be loved by Bill Nye!

Check it out!!

Monday, October 6, 2008

Poetry Corner With Sarah Palin

"Befoulers of the Verbiage"


It was an unfair attack on the verbiage
That Senator McCain chose to use,
Because the fundamentals,
As he was having to explain afterwards,
He means our workforce.
He means the ingenuity of the American.
And of course that is strong,
And that is the foundation of our economy.
So that was an unfair attack there,
Again based on verbiage.
-Sarah Palin

Bow down to the verbiage. All hockey moms love verbiage. Joe Six-Pack drinks to verbiage. Soccer moms bake brownies for the verbiage. NEVER BEFOUL THE VERBIAGE!

More poems from Palin are here.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Stay Calm!

Nuclear wars are pretty scary (right up there with spiders and such) but paranoia about this subject has calmed a bit since the years of the Cold War. It's hard to believe that there was a time when the whole world ate itself alive over something that would never happen. The BBC recently released a special transcript that was to be read in case of a nuclear attack. You can find the transcript here. This transcript was released in the 1970s and has that cute little touch of nostalgia that makes you want to scream what the hell was wrong with us? We heavily doubt that nuclear war wouldn't wipe out the BBC as well as the rest of the world regardless of fallout shelters. Are all newscasters surrounded by an invisible field that protects them from nuclear arms? Are the only things that survive nuclear war cockroaches, Cher, and the BBC? Perhaps we will never know, but we do know one thing: Harry Shearer does a damn good Walter Cronkite!

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Extremo the Clown Is The Voice Of God!



The world should bow down with undying servitude towards Extremo the Clown. We're convinced that he's the best human being (or clown) to ever have walked the earth. WE LOVE YOU EXTREMO!


Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Bon Appetite! A “Bugged out” Dinner


Ever wonder what a grasshopper tastes like? Care to indulge in a handful of mealworms? No problem! With this handy recipe guide, you will be cooking up an insect meal in no time. Just be sure to get clean bugs that are suitable for cooking before you decide to dive in! Most of all, be fun and daring! Who knows what insect could inspire a gastronomic epiphany!
Appetizers

Bug Blox

Ingredients:
2 large packages gelatin
2 1/2 cups boiling water (do not add cold water

Directions:
Stir boiling water into gelatin. Dissolve completely. Stir in dry-roasted leafhoppers. Pour mixture slowly into 13 x 9 inch pan. Chill at least 3 hours. BLOX will be firm after 1 hour, but may be difficult to remove from pan. Cutting blox: dip bottom pan in warm water 15 seconds to loosen gelatin. Cut shapes with cookie cutters all the way through gelatin. Lift with index finger or metal spatula. If blox stick, dip pan again for a few seconds.


Rootworm Beetle Dip

Ingredients:
2 cup low-fat cottage cheese
1 1/2 teaspoon lemon juice
2 tablespoons skim milk
1/2 cup reduced calorie mayonnaise
1 tablespoon parsley, chopped
1 tablespoon onion, chopped
1 1/2 tsp. dill weed
1 1/2 tsp. Beau Monde
1 cup dry-roasted rootworm beetles
Directions:
Blend first 3 ingredients. Add remaining ingredients and chill.
Main Course

Mealworm Fried Rice

Ingredients:
1 egg, beaten
1 tsp. oil
3/4 c. water
1/4 c. chopped onions
4 tsp. soy sauce
1/8 tsp. garlic powder
1 c. minute rice
1 c. cooked mealworms

Directions:
Scramble egg in a saucepan, stirring to break egg into pieces.
Add water, soy sauce, garlic and onions. Bring to a boil.
Stir in rice. Cover; remove from heat and let stand five minutes

Dessert

Chocolate Chirpie Chip Cookies

Ingredients:
2 1/4 cup flour
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 cup butter, softened
3/4 cup sugar
3/4 cup brown sugar
1 tsp. vanilla
2 eggs
1 12-ounce chocolate chips
1 cup chopped nuts
1/2 cup dry-roasted crickets

Directions:
Preheat oven to 375. In small bowl, combine flour, baking soda and salt; set aside. In large bowl, combine butter, sugar, brown sugar and vanilla; beat until creamy. Beat in eggs. Gradually add flour mixture and insects, mix well. Stir in chocolate chips. Drop by rounded measuring teaspoonfuls onto ungreased cookie sheet. Bake for 8-10 minutes.