Monday, December 15, 2008


Sorry that the Hem has been offline for such a long time folks! You see, I was recently broken up with (in public I may add) and the embarassing "in public" tears flew. I was also completely floored. It's hard not to think about revenge after a deed like that one. Enter Revenge the best site for all things revenge related. I've been on there forever just trying to make myself feel better. The "cheated on" stories are especially heart warming!

Plotting revenge? Then click here!

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Unassisted Birth: Crazy or Genius?

Imagine you are in a hospital room as a pregnant woman gives birth. Nurses surround her as her screams and breathing become heavier. The doctor demands her to PUSH and suddenly the baby is thrusted into this world screaming. The nurses take the baby away to clean it as the mother lies back tired. Soon she is presented with her little bundle of life. Happily ever after...for some. For others the idea of being surrounded by machines drugged up as strangers pull their child out of their body is horrifying. They would rather have the experience of childbirth on their own. Enter the unassisted birth movement. Practitioners of unassisted birth give birth without any medical help during the birth. They take in the pain on their own usually in their own home. Many advocates of unassisted birth say that when the mother gives birth on her own she has the opportunity to listen to her own body and lessen her own pain. Opponents of unassisted birth believe that giving birth without medical help is a terrible idea because it puts both the mother and child in danger.

The above video is of a woman named Clio giving unassisted birth. Her husband films as she silently pushes out the baby. It's really a remarkable thing to watch regardless of what one believes. By the way, it features nudity.... so you've been warned.

If you are interested in unassisted birth there is a very interesting website called Born Free that provides a good amount of information on the topic. We're very interested in anyone who has given unassisted birth and has a story that they would like to share. We'd love to post your story on the blog. Send any stories to

Sunday, November 30, 2008

An Arachniphobe's Worst Nightmare

Scared yet? You should be. Behind that clock is the largest god forsaken spider that the world has ever seen in anyone's household. Imagine innocently looking up to see the time and being confronted by four huge legs ready to burst out from underneath your clock. Look if you dare and see the monstrosity that lies beneath!!
Courtesy of

Friday, November 28, 2008

Little Boy Earns Big OUCH!!

Oh life! One minute you're a bouncing 20 month year old playing with your siblings and the next you're storing mommy and daddy's keys in your skull. Lucky for this young chap he made a full recovery. The x-rays show just how horrible the whole incident was! Ouch little man!

Check out the story (complete with pictures!)

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Bob Flanagan's Great Facial Expressions

If the Hem was a superhero, flying through the night and ridding the world of everything evil, than the Hem would most certainly be Bob Flanagan. Bob Flanagan not only battled cystic fibrosis, but he was also a key figure in the BDSM world. Bob wrote an amazing poem titled Why , showing his reasonings for being a part of the BDSM culture. This very poem is one that evokes feelings that many of you may find particularly hard to handle and we recommend setting aside some time so you can read the poem over and over again. Bob died in 1996 at the age of 43 from cystic fibrosis. His last years were immortalized in the movie SICK: The Life & Death of Bob Flanagan, Supermasochist (shown above).

On this Thanksgiving day we find ourselves being thankful for many things, nearing the top of our list has to be Bob Flanagan's amazing facial expressions. When you think of the painful things that are happening below his facial area (he was notorious for nailing his penis to a board) than his expressions become even more interesting. Is he experiencing so much pain that it becomes pleasure? Is he the most amazing human being to have ever lived? Maybe and hell yes! One of Bob's best display of great facial expressions is in the Nine Inch Nails music video "Happiness In Slavery" where Bob is tortured/killed/pleasured by a machine. It hurts so good baby, it hurts so good!! By the way, the following clip shows nudity so..............COVER YOUR EYES CHILDREN!!


Sunday, November 16, 2008

Random Believe-It-Or-Nots

The Hem adores Ripley's Believe It Or Not. We adore it so much that we even took apart our Ripley's page a day calendar and cut out every little factoid. We've put all of these BIONS into a cardboard box that lays in the corner. The only issue we have is that we have absolutely no idea what to do with these. We supposed that it would only be proper to share them with our dear readers. We love you!

  • The "Combover" is a U.S. patented invention!
  • Cleopatra's eye shadow came from crushed beetles!
  • Giraffes are the only animals to have horns from the time of birth!
  • It's illegal to pull out weeds by hand in California!
  • Mice that drink beer are slightly resistant to chemicals that cause cancer!
  • Bolivia's 180 years of Independence have seen over 190 coups!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

The Burn Of Thorn Piles

On November 11th some Hindus honored the god of destruction Shiva in an extremely painful way. These extremely devoted followers flung themselves into beds of thorns to pay homage to Shiva so that their wishes would come true. This is an extremely interesting (and painful) act of devotion! Were we the only ones who made that painful hissing noise as the followers dove into the pile?


Friday, November 14, 2008

Kitties: Cute or Conniving?

Kitties. Some people love them and some people love to push their lawnmowers over them. Are kitties really as cute as they seem or are they just evil feline snobs? We'll let you be the judge.


Awww, little kitty! Awww! It's just sooo cute!


Kitties don't make threats, they make promises. See more here.


Cute, but weird. Weird in the creepy uncle sort of way. They are actually dead, stuffed, and glued together. Are they cute now?


EWWWWWWWWW! It's like they took everything wrong with the world and put it into an animal. They should be our mascot.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

UK Raw on factualTV

The Hem is usually not a big fan of plugging other websites, but when that website features episodes of UK Raw and countless other documentaries to inspire the mind for free we have to give them a shout out. factualTV is an easy to use website that provides documentaries to watch free of charge as well as documentaries to download which you purchase with "credits" all you have to do is register on the website to take advantage of such an amazing offer. We've took the liberty of personally signing up for this website and also found a documentary that you may enjoy (aren't we precious?).
UK Raw is an episode of very bizarre proportions. It features porn stars, weirdos, and the usual bands of amazing individuals. Many of the shows have to do with odd fetishes and beliefs. It's as if the Hem turned British and converted itself into a television program!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Who Ya Gonna Call?: Hilarious Hotlines

Hotlines anyone? Sure, they aren't so popular anymore (unless you happen to live in my area where most of the people live in the 1980s anyway) but they are another embarrassing reminder of the past. We've all had that one time where we have called one of these numbers just to check them out and end up spending a fortune for our curiosity. All of these services are probably shut down by now, so you can watch, laugh, and not pay a dime! Don't you just love technology?

Crying Number

Really? There was actually a crying number out there? As if sobbing isn't an awkward enough activity, let's call up a random stranger to sob to! Most of the people on the commercial look like they are passing kidney stones. They need a doctor, not an unsympathetic phone operator!

Creep Phone

It's nice to see that the chainsaw wielding murders and the back alley pedophiles are becoming working members of society again. Little Billy always has a friend in the creeps! And for only 2 dollars? Consider it done!

Women's Secret Confessions

Dom Dom. They use Jessica Hahn as a spokesperson! Imagine spending 10 bucks to hear about Jim Bakker's sex life. Urgh.


They're hot, sexy, and Canadian! Help that poor girl! She's having head convulsions! Her head just won't. stop. spinning! Even better is the maple leaf that flies between the girls like some raunchy sign of hardcore phone lovin. ROWSDOWER!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Rivers Of Blood In Ontario

A tanker truck spilled chicken blood from one end of the town of St. Mary's, Ontario to the other. There was literally a river of chicken blood flooding the streets! What we here at the Hem really want to know is, why is there a tanker filled with chicken blood? Hmmm, now that's weird. (enter conspiracy theory here)

Check out the story

P.S. That has to be our most inappropriately placed picture yet. Sorry happy dancing chicken!

April Flores: Beauty is Thy Name

April Flores is quickly becoming our new obsession. She was featured a few months back in Bizarre Magazine and we've been in love with her ever since. With April we see an air of change in the world. Maybe more BBW will come out and flaunt what they've got. You go gurrl!

Mexican Death Magazine Article!

Didn't we promise you babies an article from a Mexican death magazine? Awww, we're sorry we didn't deliver such graphic content! Yeah, we're back. In a sense lovely readers. Our work pile has dulled down to a slight roar. Hooray for weird blogging distractions! Anyhoo, here's that there lovely lil article we promised you alls. Just a reminder, we are only posting this article, we're not advocating any of the language or insinuations used. The magazine is meant to more or less SHOCK the reader. If you feel offended it's doing its job. Enjoy!

Torment and Death to Homosexuals
By Graciela Rodriguez
Previously appeared in Peligro!,number 313
Translated into English by Loraine Woodward
From Muerte! Death in Mexican Popular Culture
Mexico City- Five alleged homosexuals have been murdered by torture and suffocation, apparently by a “death squad,” according to police who are investigating this horrific case, which has caught the public’s attention.
In the first case- three massacred people- the cadavers showed signs of torture by suffocation and their paleness accurately revealed the anguish they had suffered hours before their premature and treacherous deaths. The victims’ hands were tied and they were gagged, strangled, and tortured. At the end, their jugular veins were cut.
Rene de la Torre Gonzalez, Francisco Estrada Valle, and Javier Ramirez Melendez, all university educated and “infected with AIDS,” according to the police spokesperson, had degrees as doctors, professors, and teachers, when they were surprised and killed by some people who had been with them hours earlier; they had been drinking alcohol together and decided to take care of old grudges.
The three AIDS infected men, sexual deviants, shared the cost of their apartment located at 350 Avenida Pacifico de los Reyes, Coyoacan (Mexico City), where they invited “male friends” over, with who they smoked large amounts of marijuana and other drugs, and drank alcohol mixed with psychotropic pills, getting a high that lasted for hours. The murderers took advantage of this to cowardly kill them mafia-style.
The apartment was used only for grand bacchanals and orgies. Neighbors said the doctor was the owner of the apartment, and that he was the one who invited most of his friends over.
Rene Gonzalez de la Torre had his permanent residence at 228 Nezahualcoyotl St., in the municipality of Texcoco, state of Mexico.
He shared the house with Mrs. Reina Gonzalez, mother of the deceased, AIDS-infected, sexually sick man. In Texcoco, he had a private medical practice for his patients. He also worked in a hospital, in this city.
Residents of this area say that the doctor was a hermit and not very sociable, “We didn’t know about the double life of this poor doctor, may he rest in peace,” they emphasized.
Another similar case is the double murder of Francisco Javier Palomer Pimentel, 35 years of age. He was apparently the owner of the apartment on Thiers 279 apt 13, Polanco (Mexico City), where the double crime took place. We did not have personal information regarding the other homosexual at the time of this writing.
The crime was discovered around noon a few days ago, and the cadavers shoed signs of torture, suffocating, feet and hands tied towards the back and with a thick polyethylene bag over their heads, which is what killed them. Both individuals were found completely nude on a bed. Francisco Javier Palomera was a real estate agent, which is why he had all kinds of relationships with a variety of people. “For this Reason,” the police said, “The task of investigating the crime will be difficult.”
The five murder victims had similar deaths to the ones in the real estate agent’s apartment, where hot porno films and other objects, such as metal rings that were used for their unrestrained passions and sexual deviations were found.
According to the investigation being carried out by the Attorney General’s Bloodhounds, “The cases are similar,” but high level authorities of this institution conceal the criminologist and criminalist advances, and say that they have not found any leads to capture the “casual acquaintances” of the murder victims.
Stafford, Harvey Bennett. Muerte! Death in Mexican Popular Culture. Port Townsend, WA : Feral House, 2000.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Yeah, We're Going For The Long Hull

Yes honeys, we're going to be gone a little longer than thought. Our work load can't be contained right now. Once all the smoke has cleared we'll be back with all of our previous greatness! In the meantime, check out this hilarious clip. Happy Late Halloween Everyone!

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Going on Vacation For Two Weeks

Honestly, we don't want to leave our kind readers but it's time to relax. We'll be gone for two weeks, in that time you are welcome to read back into our archives for anything that strikes your fancy. We love you and will always be here for you! Have a great two weeks!!
-The Hem

MST3K Of The Week: Samson Vs The Vampire Women

Did you miss your weekly dose of MST3K? Well we're back with a heaping helping of Mike, Crow, and Tom Servo! In this week's movie you'll meet the coolest luchador to have ever walked the planet! Who can deny the perfect mix of vampire and Lucha Libre? Watch it dearests and let the phoniness fill your hearts and souls!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Alarma!:Mexican Death Magazines

Even in today’s new desensitized culture there are thousands of cases of offended individuals fighting against what they see as the mass application of violence and sexuality in today’s society. Many would be shocked to see that in places with cultures virtually unknown to our own, death is not nearly as taboo. Case in point: Mexico’s thousand of “tabloid” like publications that present real blood, murder, and carnage. Enter the world of Alarma!, Alarde!, Peligro!, and Insolito!.
While visiting Mexico, a common tourist may be shocked to see that vendors carry the weekly paper Alarma! which clearly represents violence and carnage on the cover. Faces of bloated bodies and virtual bloodbaths horrify the eye, while headlines such as “Massacre!” scare the reader senseless. The magazine features real-life deaths and the criminals who commit them. In the November 16, 1991 issue of Enlace! such a story rings clear with the title of “Macheto A SU MADRE!”
The story tells of a man named Gustavo Guzinan Rios who killed his mother and sister with a machete while in a state of complete drunkenness. Rios claimed he was not repentant. The story is plastered with photos of the dead mother and sister as well as the devious killer. The sister’s body is split in two, organs leaking out through the gash between her two breasts. The scene looks like something you’d see out of a crazed “B” horror movie, not something you’d actually see in real life, but it all is completely utterly true.
These magazines also feature the famed “centerfold” featuring scantily clad women as well as crossword puzzles featuring… scantily clad women. They also have their fair share of deformities, wonders, and miracle cures. The pages of these magazines feature a world not seen by many in the hustle and bustle of today.
Through magazines like these one is faced with Mexico’s high tolerance of death. Death is not a simple happening for these kind, loving people, it is culture. Festivals like the Day of the Dead show how greatly death and its exploits are ingrained in Mexican customs. Alarma is not just some cheap exploitation magazine meant for sickos and despots, but a bible of culture that finds its demographic from young rebellious youth to 70 year old grandmothers.

More Next Week... An article from a Mexican Death Magazine!

The Alarma Website

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

October 14th: A day for Nazis?

Today things seemed a little less happy and a little more completely horrible. The Hem knew that this day must be cursed somehow. We were right! Today seems to be a "Nazi Day". Look at these three events that all happened today and all have one thing in common...Nazis!

  • An uprising at Sobibor when 2o0 inmates rebel against their SS guards. 11 SS guards are killed but 52 inmates survive. Nazis decide to close the place down.

  • Marshall Erwin Rommel commits suicide after being accused of involvement in an anti-Hitler plot, he was always one of Hitler's favorites.

  • Errol Flynn (who was believed to be a nazi) dies of a heart attack on this day.

Sinister eh?


Sunday, October 12, 2008

Our New Obsession: TV Sign-Offs

Remember when TV channels would actually sign off for the night? You do? Okay, aren't you a bit old to be searching the internet? Isn't there a prostate exam you need to be at or something for you to garden? Anyhoo, tv sign-offs were perhaps the most conforting thing to ever have come out of the boob tube. Every night the cute music would play over images of bright logos or nifty little animations. A voice would come on telling you good night, we'll be back tomorrow! To some those sign-offs may have been the most solid thing in the universe. Screw the nagging husband or your lack of friends! Announcer man loves you! Here are some sign-offs that filled our world with everlasting joy.


Okay, no announcer voice but some great soothing music!

Disney Channel

"and now, you always have a place to turn to." The nicest words ever said...ever.


Phony music and flashy animation make this closer cheesetastic!


Good old OEPBS! Anyone else a little creeped out by this one? A little too retro perhaps?

Friday, October 10, 2008

Romance By You: Creepy Or Extremely Creepy?

The world loves personalized junk. Remember those cute personalized licence plates your aunt used to give you every time she came back from her vacation to Florida? The ones that just scream: I really was drunk my entire vacation and didn't think of getting you a souvenir at all! Here's a cheap piece of sweatshop molded plastic with your name on it that I happened to find at the last minute! Boy that was great! Personalized crap is as American as apple pie!
Perhaps these statements were running through the heads of the individuals who thought that it would be NEAT to create personalized romance novels. Yes, personalized romance novels. Who doesn't love seeing their name in the same sentence as spewed beautiful love fluid? What could possibly wrong about taking a childlike approach to a trashy book topic? Personalized romance novels are definitely wrong, but they are wrong in a way that feels so right. Just look at this excerpt from the Hem's personalized preview. We really couldn't think of anyone in particular, so we used the names of child television characters. Let the abomination begin:

"Slowly Big Bird pushed Dora the Explorer back onto the hood of the car, then eased the hem of her dress up until he could feel the soft, sensuous curve of her buttocks. She pressed closer to him, sighing in response, as Big Bird began kissing her neck. “When did you fall in love with me?” he whispered into her ear. Dora the Explorer pulled her head away and looked into his black eyes. “I thought you’d forgotten I told you. With your memory loss after the accident...” “It was the first thing that came back to me.” He smiled and entwined his hand through her black hair. “You said you loved me. I think that’s the only thing I’ve really been able to keep in my head all day.” “I hope you’ll remember it longer than that,” she said jokingly, although her brown-eyed gaze suddenly turned solemn. “Why didn’t you say anything about it earlier?” “I wanted to wait until the time was right.” He kissed her forehead with tenderness and murmured against her skin: “I love you, Dora the Explorer.” Dora the Explorer didn’t respond with words, but met his lips with her own and kissed Big Bird until both were dizzy with longing. Unable to deny their desire any longer, in moments they were naked beneath the blanket. Dora the Explorer leaned forward until she was a breath away and whispered lustfully, “Gentleman, start your engine.”

If you thought that was bad, check out the range of topics you can choose from! From medieval to western, there's a book to soothe your need for hardcore book perversion!

Come on, you know you wanna!

Now You Can (Sort Of) Become A Chinese Eunuch Too!

"Culture fans thousands of miles from Beijing can now visit its famous Forbidden City, through a three dimensional recreation of the vast palace that also allows them to dress up as an imperial eunuch and meet a courtesan.
One of the jewels in China's cultural crown, the sprawling complex in the heart of the capital already gets tens of thousands of real-life visitors each day.
But now online tourists can also watch the Qing dynasty emperor feast at dinner, train fighting crickets and feed them with blood-fattened mosquitoes, or practise archery with the help of a courtesan."
See the rest here


Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Bill Nye Is Bringing Sexy Back (Scientifically Speaking, Of Course)

Yeah we love Bill Nye just as much as you do. His show Bill Nye the Science Guy is fun for the whole family and the man is just supremely amazing. He's the deluxe fun package of science. Apparently, Bill Nye actually has an awesome adult appealing side too. Bill Nye actually aired a program where he talked about...SEX! The Evolution Of Sex, that is. How sweet it is to be loved by Bill Nye!

Check it out!!

Monday, October 6, 2008

Poetry Corner With Sarah Palin

"Befoulers of the Verbiage"

It was an unfair attack on the verbiage
That Senator McCain chose to use,
Because the fundamentals,
As he was having to explain afterwards,
He means our workforce.
He means the ingenuity of the American.
And of course that is strong,
And that is the foundation of our economy.
So that was an unfair attack there,
Again based on verbiage.
-Sarah Palin

Bow down to the verbiage. All hockey moms love verbiage. Joe Six-Pack drinks to verbiage. Soccer moms bake brownies for the verbiage. NEVER BEFOUL THE VERBIAGE!

More poems from Palin are here.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Stay Calm!

Nuclear wars are pretty scary (right up there with spiders and such) but paranoia about this subject has calmed a bit since the years of the Cold War. It's hard to believe that there was a time when the whole world ate itself alive over something that would never happen. The BBC recently released a special transcript that was to be read in case of a nuclear attack. You can find the transcript here. This transcript was released in the 1970s and has that cute little touch of nostalgia that makes you want to scream what the hell was wrong with us? We heavily doubt that nuclear war wouldn't wipe out the BBC as well as the rest of the world regardless of fallout shelters. Are all newscasters surrounded by an invisible field that protects them from nuclear arms? Are the only things that survive nuclear war cockroaches, Cher, and the BBC? Perhaps we will never know, but we do know one thing: Harry Shearer does a damn good Walter Cronkite!

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Extremo the Clown Is The Voice Of God!

The world should bow down with undying servitude towards Extremo the Clown. We're convinced that he's the best human being (or clown) to ever have walked the earth. WE LOVE YOU EXTREMO!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Bon Appetite! A “Bugged out” Dinner

Ever wonder what a grasshopper tastes like? Care to indulge in a handful of mealworms? No problem! With this handy recipe guide, you will be cooking up an insect meal in no time. Just be sure to get clean bugs that are suitable for cooking before you decide to dive in! Most of all, be fun and daring! Who knows what insect could inspire a gastronomic epiphany!

Bug Blox

2 large packages gelatin
2 1/2 cups boiling water (do not add cold water

Stir boiling water into gelatin. Dissolve completely. Stir in dry-roasted leafhoppers. Pour mixture slowly into 13 x 9 inch pan. Chill at least 3 hours. BLOX will be firm after 1 hour, but may be difficult to remove from pan. Cutting blox: dip bottom pan in warm water 15 seconds to loosen gelatin. Cut shapes with cookie cutters all the way through gelatin. Lift with index finger or metal spatula. If blox stick, dip pan again for a few seconds.

Rootworm Beetle Dip

2 cup low-fat cottage cheese
1 1/2 teaspoon lemon juice
2 tablespoons skim milk
1/2 cup reduced calorie mayonnaise
1 tablespoon parsley, chopped
1 tablespoon onion, chopped
1 1/2 tsp. dill weed
1 1/2 tsp. Beau Monde
1 cup dry-roasted rootworm beetles
Blend first 3 ingredients. Add remaining ingredients and chill.
Main Course

Mealworm Fried Rice

1 egg, beaten
1 tsp. oil
3/4 c. water
1/4 c. chopped onions
4 tsp. soy sauce
1/8 tsp. garlic powder
1 c. minute rice
1 c. cooked mealworms

Scramble egg in a saucepan, stirring to break egg into pieces.
Add water, soy sauce, garlic and onions. Bring to a boil.
Stir in rice. Cover; remove from heat and let stand five minutes


Chocolate Chirpie Chip Cookies

2 1/4 cup flour
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 cup butter, softened
3/4 cup sugar
3/4 cup brown sugar
1 tsp. vanilla
2 eggs
1 12-ounce chocolate chips
1 cup chopped nuts
1/2 cup dry-roasted crickets

Preheat oven to 375. In small bowl, combine flour, baking soda and salt; set aside. In large bowl, combine butter, sugar, brown sugar and vanilla; beat until creamy. Beat in eggs. Gradually add flour mixture and insects, mix well. Stir in chocolate chips. Drop by rounded measuring teaspoonfuls onto ungreased cookie sheet. Bake for 8-10 minutes.

Monday, September 29, 2008

People Are Parasites: The Church of Euthanasia

Suicide, abortion, cannibalism, and sodomy are not subjects one would ever associate with a church. That is unless said church is the Church of Euthanasia. The Church of Euthanasia (CoE) holds these four principals as its pillars of faith, seeing them as a Christian would see the Ten Commandments. Started by musician Chris Korda (shown above), the church's main commandment is "Thou Shall Not Procreate". The CoE does whatever it takes to highlight the overpopulation problems that plague the Earth. From protesting pro-life rallies with crucified blow up dolls to posting videos of the attacks on the world trade center paired with porn, the CoE never fails to shock the hell out of America. Just look at this lovely photo of a church billboard:

It's definitely a harsh way to get their point across, but hey, that's the CoE! If you wanted flowers and peace you obviously belong somewhere else. With so many organizations that call for loving oneself it's certainly interesting to see one that says what we all think at one time or another... humans really can suck. To sum it all up in the words of Rev. Chris Korda:

"Great Spirit, I am unworthy; My species has disgraced itself. Of all the species that live, or have ever lived, Mine is the lowliest."

Some Sites to Check Out:

The church's website

The church's Wikipage

P.S. We at the Hem haven't seen much about the CoE lately. If anyone out there is a member we would certainly appreciate some updates!

P.S.S. It's understood that not all of our readers will appreciate the CoE. We're open to any opinions about the subject matter or organizations that you may consider interesting. Much love darlings!

Money, Money, Money: The Things You Can Do With 700 BILLION Dollars

The Bailout plan was turned down in the House today. Maybe those curious politicians got a look at our little list of.......

Things You Could Do With 700 BILLION Dollars

  • Buy braces for all of the children in France and Great Britain
  • Put a bid on Denmark or Iceland
  • Buy gas for every adult in America for a year
  • Give every person on earth 10 monopoly games
  • Buy a Rolex for every woman in the U.S.
  • Get 373 basketballs for every child in the United States
  • Give a Hummer to everyone living in Cuba (11 million people)
  • Purchase 438 pounds of rice for every person in Africa
  • Give everyone on this planet $100
  • Buy an island in the Caribbean for every person living in South Dakota
  • Give all of your spare cash to the Hem.




Saturday, September 27, 2008

Green Porno: Insects Are Hot Too!

Insects are constantly in the mood to get down. Isabella Rossellini (Blue Velvet's leading babe) takes the viewer in the world of insect sex in the Sundance Channel show Green Porno. The show is very interesting, a pure work of art on Rossellini's part. She embraces the role of each insect with pure unadulterated passion. Even more interesting is the quiz that Sundance offers as a promotion for the show. It's a series of 24 questions that are supposed to decide what type of insect love sense you have. After taking this quiz, the Hem found that we are apparently horny flies (or players as the sub caption says). We are the prostitutes of the insect world and our self confidence is failing horrifically because of it. Find out your insect porno style here. You might just be a sexually deviant 6 legged critter too!

Friday, September 26, 2008

Rant Of The Week: Fat Rant!!

This is an amazing rant. A beautiful girl tells the world what she thinks of being fat and does a damn good job at doing it too. We give this one an A++ because fat chiccas are some of the coolest beings out there (it's about time someone said it). Kisses darlings!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

PETA Always Saves the Breast For Last!

Yeah, you've heard all about the PETA/Ben and Jerry's breast milk fiasco. Don't worry, your favorite ice cream won't be tasting of mother's milk anytime soon. The most interesting thing we could find about this already used up story is the fact that the price of breast milk is always brought up by people who have commented on these videos. Many worry that the price of breast milk is too high. Here's the real dilemma, how much does breast milk actually cost? Is there a milk bank somewhere that the rest of the world is unaware of? Apparently yes. The sale of breast milk is becoming quite popular online. The average price of the motherly love seems to be $2-3 an ounce. Who knew the children of America were sucking on milky goldmines? Throw out the usual chateau haut brion, we're sipping breast juice tonight!

Tis A Strange, Strange World!

The world is absolutely INSANE. Charles Fort is one of the few gifted human beings to have ever understood this concept. He understood it so well, in fact, that he profited off of it. Fort is best known for his books on the paranormal. The word fortean meaning strange or unexplained phenomena is actually derived from his name. Fort is certainly a model Samaritan in the world of the weird. In honor of such greatness today's post is dedicated to one of his most famous works, The Book of the Damned. This book focuses on strange occurrences such as UFOs and various objects raining from the sky. It's been read by scholars and crackpots alike and now it is free for you (our faithful readers) to devour. Enjoy!

Special thanks to!

Monday, September 22, 2008

The Incredible Edible Leigh Bowery

You are walking down a hot street. The sun beats down on your flaming skull as you drag yourself through another day in the indifferent city. You find yourself passing by the same boring flies on the asses of humanity as you make your way through the winding corridors of urban living. Cast down, you make yourself completely oblivious to the world around you. It seems like the average weekday afternoon.... until you see a gigantic cloth covered humanoid walking your way. A humanoid with bright red lips, a tall frame, and a gaudy dress to boot. You watch in shock as the head to toe fabric explosion passes by you, swaying with the sounds of the street. What the hell? Are you under the influence of some new psychedelic? Has god decided to play a trick on your poor soul? Nope. You've been officially touched by the genius of Leigh Bowery.

Leigh Bowery is perhaps the most fabulous thing to have ever come out of Australia (sorry kangas, you lose). When he was a boy he loved to sew and talk gossip with his mother's friends. Bowery took his talent for sewing as well as his gift for gab to London in 1980. There he would blossom from a nobody to the stunning work of art that he is known for today. He plunged himself into a polysexual play land with tantalizing designs and bizarre feminine outerwear. In 1985 he started a uproarious jungle of a nightclub named Taboo. There Bowery would flaunt in his new styles, dance hyperactivity, and randomly embarrass everyone he met. His energy and love for life pushed his work onto the masses. Soon he became the centerfold for everything awe worthy and strange. He was not the artist, he was the art. His work soon reached other areas such as music and even dance. It seemed as if nothing could stop his booming career. Nothing, that is, but the hand of death itself.
Bowery's personal life mirrored much of what his art represented. He was known for odd trysts with odd individuals. Sex was the unexplored playground that he longed to run merrily in. Sadly, his experimental lifestyle eventually caught up with him. On December 31, 1994 he died of AIDS, he was only 33. The inspiration he brought to this world lives on forever in the works of artists such as Boy George and The Scissor Sisters who defy the laws of culture and taste alike. Leigh Bowery was a legend in his own right, a towering inferno above the skies of conformity. With one look at his maniacal painted face one can see that same conviction that lied in his bright booming eyes so long ago. It's a conviction that says Goddammit, I'm going to flaunt this dress and you are going to fucking love it baby!, it's a conviction that starts miracles, it's a conviction that makes infants cry, it's a conviction that could only belong to the chemical waterfall that is Leigh Bowery.

100th Post....Post

It's the Hem's 100th post! Celebrate with us! Drink, laugh, dance, and be merry! Come on! Woo hoo!

Weird TV For All

Egad, it seems that this program may be even weirder than we are!

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Damn It Feels Great To Be A Nurse!

Just a little clue about an article that may just come on this very website. Who knows?

I am, I am, I am: The Sylvia Plath Effect


I am silver and exact. I have no preconceptions.
Whatever I see, I swallow immediately.
Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike
I am not cruel, only truthful –
The eye of a little god, four-cornered.
Most of the time I meditate on the opposite wall.
It is pink, with speckles. I have looked at it so long
I think it is a part of my heart. But it flickers.
Faces and darkness separate us over and over.

Now I am a lake.A woman bends over me.
Searching my reaches for what she really is.
Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.
I see her back, and reflect it faithfully
She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands.
I am important to her. She comes and goes.
Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises toward her day after day, like a terrible fish.

-Sylvia Plath

That was the last poem that writer Sylvia Plath wrote before she died. On that cold February morning she left out breakfast for her children, sealed the kitchen with wet towels, and placed her head in the oven. She was only thirty years old. Even so, her mark on the poetic world can still be seen today in the form of books and movies. She also serves as a muse to many poets and people who suffer from mental illnesses. Her influence has lead to a psychological theory called The Sylvia Plath Effect. In 2001 psychologist James Kaufman discovered that creative writers and poets (especially those that are female) are more likely to suffer from mental illnesses than workers in any other profession. Although this theory is seen as sham by many individuals, there is no arguing that many creative writers and poets have committed suicide and suffered from mental illness in the past. Here are two writers who may have proven this point:

Virgina Woolf

Virgina Woolf is a prime example of the Sylvia Plath Effect. She had a nervous breakdown
at the age of 13 after her mother died. Her father died shortly afterwards, leaving her in a complete state of mental duress that put her into an institution. On March 28, 1941 she filled her pockets with rocks and drowned in the River Ouse. Before the suicide she had suffered from yet another nervous breakdown. In her final note to her husband she wrote, "I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier 'til this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can't even write this properly. I can't read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that — everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer. I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been."

Sara Teasdale

I Shall Not Care
When I am dead and over me bright April
Shakes out her rain-drenched hair,
Though you should lean above me broken-hearted,
I shall not care.
I shall have peace, as leafy trees are peaceful
When rain bends down the bough,
And I shall be more silent and cold-hearted
Than you are now.
-Sara Teasdale
Sara Teasdale died when she took an overdose of sleeping pills. An urban legend states that the poem above was written by a bitter Teasdale as a suicide note to a former flame. This legend is certainly false (the poem was actually published 18 years after her death). Teasdale's suicide is interesting because it was preceded by the suicide of her very close friend Vachel Lindsay who died by drinking Lysol. Lindsay was also a writer. Was this the effect proving itself once again?
Another suicide that is of much note (but has nothing to do with the effect) is the death of Assia Wevill. Wevill had an affair with Sylvia Plath's husband Ted Hughes. In 1969 Wevill and her daughter died after Wevill took their lives in a way that was shockingly similar to the way Sylvia Plath died. Wevill laid down with her sleeping child, blocked off all doors and windows, and turned on the gas stove. Her death is another haunting reminder of the legacy of the great Sylvia Plath.
The life of a writer is a hard one. Being a writer requires one to dig deep inside themselves and sometimes also requires a great deal of pain. So the next time you read the poems of Sara Teasdale or a Virginia Woolf novel, shed a tear for these great women who suffered for their amazing work.

Friday, September 19, 2008


Arrgg! Today be Talk Like a Pirate Day. In honor of such a great hollerday, here be some facts about these great lollygaggers.

  • In the New World pirates had the first democratic system.
  • Although very feared, Blackbeard only terrorized the seven seas for one year.
  • Pirate ships usually had about eighty people aboard.
  • A pirate captain's cabin was open to any one on the ship.
  • Pirates had the first insurance plan in the New World.
  • The ship's pilot (the steerer) was actually the true leader of the ship, not the captain.
  • The Jolly Roger flag was not the universal flag of all pirates. Each ship had a different flag of its own.



Thursday, September 18, 2008

That's Always Good to Know!

Hey! Anthropomorphic Art Is Pretty Cool!

No darlings, this post is not about furries. That is for another post, another time. This post is about anthropomorphic art. Anthropomorphic is defined as "ascribing human form or attributes to a being or thing not human" ( In this case we are talking about animals. Anthropomorphic art is an interesting because many of the artists who create it are relatively unknown and VERY, VERY good at what they are doing. We've seen some anthropomorphic art that would make any professional bow their head in shame and cry a tear of sadness. We've also seen some anthropomorphic art that would make Larry Flynt blush. Needless to say, there are animals of all kinds participating in many different activites in many of these works of art. Art wouldn't be art if there wasn't something different and/or risque about it!

Interested? Here are a few of our favorite sites:

The VCL-Great art by a wonderful assortment of artists. Many of these pics are NSFW but some are perfectly PG.

Artvark- Anthro art that is safe anywhere as well as beautiful pictures of animals in general.

Draw Furry- Learn how to draw anthro art!

Ringsurf's Celebration of Anthropomorphic Art- A site with plenty of links to other Anthro art sites.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Of Ghosties and Goulies...

Blogging usually only inspires fear when you stumble upon squid rape porn just as the family decides to pay you a surprise visit. We at the Hem never really expected something to jump out and scare us. That is untill we stumbled upon a little picture of a certain Rosewood Center in Owings Mills, Maryland. Rosewood Center was a psychiatric hospital Some of the buildings are active, yet some are abandoned. Rosewood is the sort of place your older brother scared you with when you were little. Folklore about its past (mostly stories of patient abuse and ghosts) are widespread in the community. Bottom line... this place is EXTREMELY creepy. Even creepier, however, are the photos that urban spelunkers have taken of this abandoned wonderland. Each portray the place as a mix of horror and serenity. Some even reveal a few scary things ment to haunt the future. This picture is one of those future haunting glimpses into the unknown. It sure looks simple at first, but hit the zoom button and highlight the right window and wait for the terror to begin. This picture has something special waiting for you! We here at the Hem hope that this find frightens you as much as it did us! Happy Spelunking!

Sunday, September 14, 2008

MST3K Of The Week: Giant Spider Invasion

Just when you thought it was safe to live in Wisconsin, a movie like Giant Spider Invasion comes along. Never before has an episode of MST3K inspired so much confused fear (where the hell did the spiders come from again?). REMEMBER... stay away from those goddamn diamond rocks kids! They could be the start of GIGANTIC eight legged terrors!!!

What to look for: The random outbursts of "Go Packers!". WOOO!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

September 11th

The Hem would like to send out their love and blessings to the loved ones of 9-11 victims and the victims themselves as well as the countless number of those who died trying to save innocent lives. We'll always adore and admire your courage and heart during such horrid times.

To all of our great readers: Please have your own personal brief moment of silence in honor of such true heroes, they really deserve it.

The Hem


It is quite clear that the whole "Leave Britany Alone" thing is so last year. Even so, that was a damn good rant. In the interest of saving you from something you've already seen millions of times, we've decided to give you Seth Green's take on things. Leave him the hell alone for christsakes!

We give this rant a solid B for consistant eye liner reapplication and the plugging of Robot Chicken (BAWWWK)!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

School Daze: The Weirdest Scholarships Out There

Summer's over kiddies. Back to school with you all! As many children are stressing out over homework this year many high school seniors are stressing out about homework and a decision that will set the course for their entire College may be a great place to find your inner human being, but it is extremely expensive (extremely fucking expensive!). The only way many teens can find money is through a little big thing called scholarships. Most of the scholarships out there are for two things only 1. Academics or 2. Athletics. Not smart or athletic? Well don't you fret little one, today there are some scholarships out there that are completely zany and cover weirdos of all types. Today's post is dedicated to just that. Here's an ode to all of those scholarships that make us scratch our head and say, who the hell thought of that?

  • Tall Clubs International Scholarship- $1,000 to Males 6'2 and taller and females 5'10 and taller.

  • The Duck Brand Duct Tape Scholarship- 6,000 for the lucky couple who makes the best prom outfit out of duct tape.

  • The American Welding Society Scholarships

  • Ayn Rand Scholarship- Read The Fountainhead, write a winning essay, and win 10,000. You just have to pick up the book without bursting into flames.

  • The Klingon language institute- gives $500 to a person studying language.

  • Tylenol Scholarship

  • Scholarship for left-handed students

  • The Sunsport Gardens Family Naturist Resort Scholarship- $1,000 to those who have been in a nudist group for more than 3 years.

  • Duck Calling Scholarship

  • All-American Apple Pie Scholarship

Monday, September 8, 2008

French AIDS Awareness Campaign

Keep away from the creepy crawlies and dying wonder women, use protection!


The Almighty Hem had a damn good cheeseburger today topped with damn good kosher dill slices. With just one bite of cheesy, crunchy, meaty goodness came the great idea about an expose into the world's favorite putrid veggie, the pickle.

The pickle is very much embeded into our culture but few know how it's made. The greatly intelligent people at the Exploratorium explain it like this: "What makes a pickle a pickle? On a most general level, pickles are foods soaked in solutions that help prevent spoilage. There are two basic categories of pickles. The first type includes pickles preserved in vinegar, a strong acid in which few bacteria can survive. Most of the bottled kosher cucumber pickles available in the supermarket are preserved in vinegar. " Read the rest of the article here. Exploratorium even has a cute little game where you can create the perfect pickle!

Pickles come in all types of categories like:

Gherkins- Small and sweet.

Kosher Dills- Can still be prepared without the supervision of a rabbi and be called kosher. We're guessing pickles get special rights.

Polish- The fancy pickles. Come prepared in a salt brine with the mustard and dill still in the bottle. Some even come with pickled peppers (picked by peter).

Bread and Butter- Pickled with a high concentration of sugar. The result is a sweet treat (in pickle terms).

Where would a pickle blurb be without our favorite pickles?

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Wonder Woman Gets A Makeover

Tired of the thin, boring old wonder woman? The folks at The Big Beautiful Wonder Woman blog feel your pain. BBWW features the work of many talented artists who focus on creating a fat wonder woman. The result is not really what you would expect. Some of the art is extremely ugly while other works are better than the real thing. Move over skinny bitches and let the big girls through!

Give em' a visit!

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Music Finds: Joe Aufricht

Straight from the depths of the underword comes Joe Aufricht. Failed satanist and all over hilarious lyric writer, Joe is the guy next door if the guy next door is an all over horn dog. Joe's work is more disturbing than a wrinkled old man in a speedo sunbathing on your front lawn with cooking oil. Be prepared to laugh, ponder, and scratch your head with utter confusion. Just don't say we didn't warn you!

Dive into the Madness!!

Special thanks to the 365 Days Project!!

Monday, September 1, 2008

Caruso Responds To The Last Post!!!

Now that wasn't very nice!


song chart memes

Shatner? Caruso? Never!


Wacky Packages: A Brief Card Blurb

You may have not had contact with one of these amazing collectables since you were a kid, but Wacky Packages are still in circulation and selling strong. Wacky Packages are basically card sized sticker parodies of popular items. The great thing about these parodies is that they are actually funny. Wacky Packages lack the age limit that most trading cards have. They are perfect mirrors of the time we live in. Here's an example of what a card may look like:

Not every Wacky Package is just a sticker. There are some packs which feature special edition window graphics and tattoos. Every Wacky Package is sold in a blind pack so you never really know what you are going to get. Once you collect enough, you may even be able to mark off your checklist with a feeling of unadultrated pride. Wacky Packages are one of the only addictions that won't leave you completely broke or in rehab. So what are you waiting for? COLLECT THEM ALL!!

Here are some very helpful links about the great Wacky Packages:

The Wacky Packages Webpages- A great source for buying and selling the packages as well as seeing any new releases.

The official Wacky Packages site- For fans of the more recent wackies. Lots of cute games also!

The Wikipedia page

What is Trivia...Anyone?

Damn you Trebek! With today being a holiday we have to supply you with some sort of Jeopardy! trivia. Today's catagory is Lipstick Jungle. Answers are posted tomorrow.

1.Tarte makes a dual-ended lip gloss named for this romantic pair, swingin' in the jungle since 1912 describes its "Sexy Jungle" lipstick as a "cool toffee shade of" this

3. Type of African trip whose name precedes "Blaze" in the name of a Laura Geller lipstick

4.Iman named one of her company's lipstick shades for this wildcat that's also a luxury car

5.Sultry, Hot & Passionate (Excuse me--I need to cool down) are just 3 of the shades in this co.'s Lipfinity line


Saturday, August 30, 2008

MST3K Of The Week:The Final Sacrifice

Canada is a great setting for really horrible movies. This is especially true if said movie is The Final Sacrifice. Full of the usual 80s bad hair (the movie was made in the 90s, go figure!) and horrific acting, this movie has become one of our favorite MST3Ks to date. ROWSDOWER!

What to look for: "Knew him? He was delicious!"

Friday, August 29, 2008

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Delicious Drag: Our Three Favorite Fictional Drag Queens

We love drag queens. They're full of sass and sophistication as well as some kick ass fashion sense. They bleed glitter and cry tears of sweet perfume. They are earthly goddesses. Need we say more? Today we pay homage to these bursts of pure beauty by showing our three favorite fictional drag queens. These sweeties have been to hell and back in a pair of heels and are longing for your attention! Enjoy!

3. Frank-N-Furter
Don't get strung out by the way he looks, don't judge a book by its cover. Frank is our favorite character from Rocky Horror. Not only does he perfect the cherry red lips, he's a total charmer! He's smooth, obscene, and full of pure sass. He killed meatloaf for christsake! That just screams AMAZING!
2. Hedwig
Straight from Germany, Hedwig is the best export the U.S. has ever handled. She's a scorned woman on a mission to get her songs back from an ex lover. With bouts of catchy songs the audience is captivated by the story of a life of opression and struggle. She's a creature of pure beauty. Who wouldn't want that gorgeous blonde head of hair?

1. Divine

Queen of drag and filth, Divine was the first to be disgusting while wearing loads of make-up and tight dresses. She was pure fabulous. To this day no one can spew out a rant like her or fire a gun with such class. Divine was the most unique drag queen who ever lived. Who else could smile those pearly whites while eating dog shit? We love you Divine!